


First Kiss

by BackattheBein



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-22
Updated: 2017-02-22
Packaged: 2018-09-26 02:48:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,628
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9858584
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BackattheBein/pseuds/BackattheBein
Summary: A reimagining of the diner scene at the end of S1E8 and the months following. No Blackwing yet, so Dirk and co. have established the agency. Todd does have pararibulitis. A case leads them back to the Men of the Machine, and their lives are put on the line again, forcing Todd to realize how he really feels about his best friend Dirk. A good old-fashioned fluff fest.





	

Kissing.

It was unconventional in every sense of the word. Of course, the first time it had been unintentional too.

And of all days, times, and places, it first happened to Todd during one of the most wonderful moments of his life. He was having a victory dinner with his two new friends, Farah and Dirk, after only a week of knowing them and almost having died together solving a murder, thrust into Dirk’s unbelievably hectic life as if on a dare. In one of the happiest times of his life, finally releasing all the pent-up tension from being chased by soul-swapping cultists and the CIA alike, all his lying caught up to him. He got his just deserts.

And the thing was, he only had a few seconds to contemplate what was really happening to him in the bathroom of the diner before the pain engulfed him from the inside out, wiping any other thought from his brain outside of raw pain. _I’m being burned alive, melting, from the inside out._ His body screamed in pain, and he was pretty sure he was yelling too, oblivious to any attention he might have caused himself.

Thankfully, it had gotten the attention of said best friends sitting in the diner, who were actually starting to think that Todd was really taking his time. Dirk wanted to get going, letting the universe direct him to his next twisting turning journey, although he desperately hoped that there would be fewer tattooed wackos hell bent on killing them, but knowing that it would probably happen anyway. What he didn’t expect was to suddenly hear what sounded alarmingly like Todd crying out, like he was being attacked.

And in a way, Todd was. Except, instead of a soul-swapping weirdo or a holistic assassin, it was his own brain betraying him. As Farah kicked down the door and she and Dirk pushed frantically into the men’s room, it took both of them about two seconds to realize what happening.

_Pararibulitis_ , Dirk thought. _Todd’s having an attack_.

He and Farah locked eyes the instant they understood, Todd still writhing on the floor, his pain and anguish seeming to grow in intensity with every passing – and passive – moment.

Somehow, Dirk and Farah seemed to be on the same wavelength. Farah reached for her phone, trying to call Amanda and desperately hoping that she would answer, her anxiety spiking to new heights as the call went to voicemail once, twice, three times.

Almost simultaneously, Dirk had dropped to Todd’s level and was now trying to lean Todd against the wall. Todd’s grip was surprisingly strong, and even though he wasn’t holding onto anything, he seemed to be curling into an even tighter ball as the pain in his mind escalated. He was sure that all of his skin had melted off, and while he registered Dirk and Farah’s presence on some level, he was very much consumed in the cruel pain of the attack.

Dirk eventually coaxed him into leaning slightly against the wall, mind rapidly switching gears to what he should do next, if he could stop the attack without medication. A quick look at Farah told him that Amanda was not picking up her calls, something which should have concerned Dirk if he wasn’t already caught up in trying to help Todd.

_My skin is gone! It has to have all melted off by now._ The pain continued, reaching ever higher levels, blocking any other thoughts from Todd’s mind.

Which is why he didn’t really register the kiss until he woke up, several hours later, in Dirk’s apartment.

_______________

While Todd had been consumed in pain, still crying out, the time between waves of pain washing over him getting smaller and smaller, Dirk had been thinking: _It’s a nerve disease. Stimuli. Give his brain a stronger stimulus, overpower the attack, and the pain will stop._ At least he hoped it would work.

He didn’t really have a lot of time to think about it, the merits and consequences of what he was about to do, and he didn’t really want to, because Todd’s cries were sending Dirk’s anxiety through the roof. He decided to slap Todd first, trying not to dwell on what he was going to do next.

It wasn’t pleasant. It wasn’t loving. It certainly wasn’t erotic.

Todd didn’t even seem to register, his pain suddenly gone, like a light that had been switched off, one second there, all-consuming in its strength, and then in the next second, gone.

Todd’s lips felt cracked and dry.

This was not how Dirk had wanted their first kiss to go.

___________________

Todd woke up, half expecting to be a skeleton, nervous to see what the acid had done to him. When he saw his skin, perfectly fine in his day-old clothes, it took him all of a minute to come to the same realization as his friends.

_Para-fucking-ribulitis_.

He wanted to punch something. He wanted to cry, to scream out to the world how unfair it was, that just when he felt his life was beginning to get good, despite how shitty it had been up until this point, the universe turned him on his head. A big “Fuck you!” from that same stream of creation that Dirk seemed to love to go on about, giving Todd what he deserved, no matter how hard he had tried in the past week to fix everything.

_Dirk_.

Most of his memories of what had happened during the attack were hazy to Todd. He vaguely remembered Farah busting down the door, which would have really impressed him, causing him to say something dumb to Farah in an attempt to flirt if he hadn’t been suffering his first attack. Dirk had been there too, getting on the ground, trying to help Todd up, and as soon as he had helpfully done that, he had slapped Todd right across the face. It had certainly got Todd’s attention, breaking him slightly from his attack, and he was pretty sure he had a nice red mark on his cheek from it. It was really the kiss that had ended the attack.

At this precise moment, Dirk’s intuitions about the universe urged him to enter his room where Todd was lying on his bed, having passed out shortly following the attack. He, too, had been thinking a lot about the kiss. _Stupid Dirk. Just go ahead and reveal your feelings to Todd, it won’t put him on the spot or anything. He won’t wake up and suddenly be uncomfortable with their relationship._

Dirk was concerned that he had completely ruined whatever relationship they had or might have had, and was consequently beating himself up for his stupid impulses or whatever it was that had pushed him to kiss Todd during such a critical, stressful moment.

All this and more was running through Dirk’s mind at twice its normal speed – which is saying something, considering how his words could hardly keep up with what his brain was putting out – as he tentatively peeped his head into his room to see if Todd was awake.

Todd didn’t look up immediately, but he could sense Dirk’s presence in the doorframe, more cautious than usual, quiet even. Todd could tell that something was wrong with Dirk, or at least something was weighing so heavily on his mind that it actually stopped him from talking, which was a feat in and of itself.

Finally, he broke the silence. “Todd?”

“Yeah?”

“Are you awake?”

“Yeah.”

Hesitantly, Dirk entered the room, moving towards Todd. “How do you feel?”

Todd thought about it for a minute. “Like shit. I know I’m not really hurt, but it just felt so … real. It was visceral. I genuinely felt like I was dying.”

In Dirk’s mind he suddenly flashed back to those first few moments walking into the bathroom, already tense from hearing Todd’s screams, only to see him curled up on the floor, thinking he was dying when really his brain was just tricking him on purpose.

They both understood without saying anything that Todd had the disease. There was no need to discuss it between the two of them; it just became a fact of their lives.

“Can I fix you something, Todd? The kettle’s already on.”

“That would be great actually.” Both men were wary of entering upon any conversation about the attack or the kiss. Dirk brought him back a cup of tea and sat on the edge of the bed after helping Todd sit upright properly, as trying to move on his own had sent his head spinning. He wasn’t sure what to expect after his first attack, but he imagined he’d need at least a day to really recover and get a handle on what had happened when Farah and Dirk had found him.

Dirk was thankful for the silence, although he couldn’t manage to hide his anxiety about having the conversation. It was written not on his face, but in his eyes, peering over his mug almost greedily and yet nervously, seeking answers yet holding himself back, not wanting to ruin this pleasant moment of peace.

_________________________

Their lives continued in much the same way as they had before, Dirk dragging Todd along on the wildest of adventures, starting from seemingly disparate and unimportant points of interest that somehow connected through the flow of the universe to make sense. Only now, they were living with Todd’s attacks.

Dirk and Todd both knew that the kissing stopping the attacks was a one-time deal, and that it would probably never stop an attack again. Farah insisted that she help pay for Todd’s medicine, and although he verbally fought with her about it for several weeks, not wanting to take advantage of his friends now nor ever again, he eventually caved. He needed the medicine, especially when he had an attack while on a case.

Even more so when one of said cases actually lead them back to the Men of the Machine, or rather cousins of the Men of the Machine, and a daring rescue op that neither Todd nor Farah were particularly enthused about.

___________________________

 

“Ready?” Farah and Todd locked eyes as he nodded solemnly. “Alright, here we go.”

Farah kicked in the door – she was surprisingly strong despite her petite nature, and she had no trouble being intimidating when she wanted to be – and both cautiously entered the facility, guns at the ready and eyes on the prize.

The prize at this moment was in fact Dirk. Not even days after young Patrick Spring wiped out the Men of the Machine on the day older Patrick Spring was murdered did more followers of the cult find out about the slaughtering of their brothers. Unable to blame either version of Spring and thirsty for some good-old fashioned revenge, they had kidnapped Dirk, hoping that if there was a chance that another version of Spring’s machine existed they could trade Dirk for it.

Instead of having a pararibulitis attack, the second Todd realized Dirk had been kidnapped Todd was sent spiraling into a full-fledged panic attack, fearing the worst. _He’s been murdered. One of his old clients finally caught up with him and just killed him off. Or Blackwing found him and took him and they’re probably torturing him and poking and prodding him and cutting him open and --._

He had called Farah, incoherently rambling into the phone, Farah only managing to pick out words like “Dirk” and “gone” and “help,” which was enough to send her speeding down Seattle’s suburbs directly to the Ridgely.

She had, of course, been the one to plan the operation, once they found out that Dirk was being held at the Animal Transfer Unit Gordon Rimmer had used to run. The machine wouldn’t work, but the remaining Men of the Machine knew of a young guy – a tech genius – who could fix it for a price. They just needed the other machine, and they intended to trade it for Dirk’s life.

Todd hadn’t really been able to have a coherent thought since Dirk went missing. It forced weeks of contemplating their relationship and whatever feelings he might have for Dirk into the span of a few days. The high anxiety seemed to stave off his pararibulitis attacks, but he wasn’t any saner for it. All he wanted was his holistic detective back; they had unfinished business to attend to.

________________________

“Todd?” Farah had asked cautiously as they were en route to the rendezvous point.

“Todd?” she asked again when it barely even registered to him that she was talking.

“Todd!” more aggressively this time, her anxiety and nerves about the op getting the best of her.

That did seem to break him slightly out of his trance or daydream or whatever it was. He had been staring out as if into a void, lost in whatever thoughts were swimming through his mind, but now he turned his head and glared at her, his nerves turning into frustration. “What?” he snapped.

Farah, obviously not wanting to upset him but concerned for her friend, spoke quickly and with less volume than her previous attempts at conversation. “Nothing, it’s just that you’ve been so distracted today, I’m not sure I’ll be able to count on you during this rescue op.”

“Of course you can Farah! And I’m not distracted, I’m just … thinking.” Todd’s emotional shields started to come up, and Farah could tell that he was getting a little defensive. She also wasn’t convinced: that he was alright; that he didn’t have something pressing on his mind; and that he would be reliable during the op. “You’ve just been so spacey lately! What are you thinking about that’s just so important anyway? Or should I say whom?”

At this point, Todd had been getting a little irritated with Farah, especially because of her prodding into his emotions and his private life. Although, with the amount of time they spent together now as a detective agency, none of them really had a private life anymore. He knew he had a bad tendency to repress his emotions, and that this was probably not healthy, but Farah was getting dangerously close to revealing Todd’s innermost thoughts, some of which he refused to acknowledge even to himself.

Tentatively, he began trying to explain himself. “Look, I just want to get Dirk back … so we can go back to solving cases!” He added quickly, his voice unintentionally growing louder as he reached the end of that statement.

“Okay, Todd, I believe you.” Farah decided it was better to back off for now than press Todd more. Better to let him stew, even if that wasn’t a good idea, because the alternative was an attack of any kind, which would definitely be worse during the rescue op.

They sat in awkward silence for a while, both wanting to say more but not sure how (Farah) or unwilling to do so (Todd). Finally, just to try to end that conversation, Farah said in what she hoped was a confident and reassuring tone, “But trust me, Todd, if you have something you need to get off your chest, or someone you need to talk to, if you’ve got something to say, there’s no time like the present. You’ll always regret what you don’t say.” She seemed to say it knowingly too, as if she herself was privy to some deeply-held secret of Todd’s to which even he was unaware, or that he was not letting himself be aware of. He didn’t want to be so emotionally repressed; it was just easier that way sometimes. It was selfish, of course he knew that, but it put a special burden on the people around him who had grown to love him over the past few weeks.

And right now, they were going to rescue one of those very special people, and as they arrived at their destination, Todd gathered the strength he would need to do what he had to do to get Dirk back.

___________________________

“Todd! Pay attention!” Farah somehow managed to whisper angrily, bringing Todd back to reality. He gritted his teeth. _Focus, stupid! We’re in enemy territory and our lives are on the line! Rescue people now, contemplate deep emotional issues later._ As they entered the old Animal Transfer Unit, Todd and Farah moved cautiously, very aware that the men of the cult had a distinct advantage over them. Eventually, they made their way to the main room where the altar was located. Scanning and finding no one in the room, Farah motioned for Todd to enter, his anxiety catching up to him with every passing minute. _If I don’t calm down I’m going to have an attack._

Then suddenly, there was Dirk. He was curled up so small, like Todd had been during his attack in the diner. Todd almost hadn’t noticed the detective trying his best to hide in the cage on the other side of the room.

_“Dirk!”_ In the moment, despite any danger it would cause them, Todd couldn’t help calling out his best friend’s name upon seeing him like that, weak and small and hurting, after what felt like weeks of being without him. The man immediately uncurled himself, his head whipping around to see the two people he needed the most in the world right then. “ _Todd!_ Farah!”

Todd rushed over to help Dirk get out while Farah secured the area, which Todd barely registered as he broke the lock on the cell with the butt of his gun. As soon as the door opened the two came together in a tight embrace, some of the months’ worth of tension finally leaving them as they squeezed each other for dear life.

Unfortunately, Todd’s ecstatic yelling had given away any cover or advantage the trio might have had during the rescue op.

He barely registered the sound which deafened his hearing. He heard even less of Dirk and Farah screaming out, despite his proximity to Dirk. All he felt in that moment was an intense pain blossoming in his chest, moving from his back to the front of his chest, seeping like the blood underneath the floor of the penthouse where the murder that brought them together took place.

The confusion of the moment meant that Todd thought he was having an attack, considering how much stress he had been under lately what with the mission and all. He fell to the ground, Dirk guiding him and keeping his head from smacking into the floor. Todd thought he heard more loud, ringing noises, but he was desperately trying to focus on the image of Dirk in front of him, his face scrunched up and dirty, but clean along the lines where tears were rapidly falling. “Todd! Todd, can you hear me?! Todd say something!” “Stay with us, Todd,” said Farah, tense and with her gun at the ready, who in Todd’s fading vision crouched next to Dirk, who was practically cradling Todd.

For some reason, despite all the pain he felt and the fact that he didn’t know whether it was real or not, he suddenly didn’t care. “I love you, Dirk.”

While it wasn’t the last thing Dirk expected Todd to say in a moment like this, Dirk was still shocked, and choking on a sob, his crying intensified. Todd vaguely wondered why Dirk would be so emotional: he had seen Todd have attacks before, and he had always turned out okay…

Just moments before fading into complete darkness, multiple things happened simultaneously. Todd realized why Dirk must be so upset; _this isn’t an attack ohmygod ohmygod this isn’t an –._ At the exact moment he realized this and the magnitude of confessing his love right then and there, Dirk said “I love you too, Todd. Please don’t die.” That was when Dirk leaned into Todd and gave him the most passionate, gentle, pure, confused, needy, and yet intimate kiss of his life. It was the last thing he remembered before darkness.

_________________________________

And then, whiteness. Specifically, a white tiled ceiling, like one you might see in a hospital. The morning light filtered in through the blinds, doing only a mediocre job of keeping it dim in the room. Suddenly, Todd’s mind burst from the lazy haze of a death-like sleep, and his heart rate jumped, causing one of the many machines he was plugged into to start beeping frantically. A female nurse rushed in moments later to check on the patient who hadn’t been awake in days, who had come, rushed to the hospital by two crazed-looking people, insisting that he needed care immediately, both acting frantic and jumpy until they could see their friend again, lying in bed, assured that he would survive.

After checking his vitals and engaging in some light small talk, the nurse asked Todd if he would like to have some visitors. Her attitude seemed to suggest both that Todd was probably not in good enough shape to see others and that she and her fellow nurses had exhausted all patience dealing with said others. Todd told her it was okay and asked her to send them in. Not long after, there was a tentative knock on his door, or rather, the doorframe, since his door has to remain open at all times. Out from behind the curtain came the person Todd wanted to see the most in the world right now, even if he wouldn’t admit it to himself, more than his little sister or the woman who until the rescue attempt he was sure he had a crush on.

Wearing a well-fitted, bright-as-the-sun yellow leather jacket, with not unflattering dark jeans, came Dirk Gently. And also what was quite possibly the largest bouquet of flowers Todd had ever seen, which were so huge that he didn’t actually realize Farah was with him until Dirk moved to put the flowers down in the corner.

“Good morning, Todd! We’re so glad you’re awake. We got you these flowers at the gift shop in the hospital. It’s such a cute little shop you should really come down and see it – but when you’re feeling better of course. How are you feeling now by the way?” Dirk rattled on in his normal style as if they were talking to one another over dinner, like nothing had happened and Todd wasn’t in the hospital after almost dying. “Hey Todd,” said Farah in a calmer tone, always the voice of reason in the chaos that was now their daily lives.

Todd started to say something and felt his chest flare up in pain. It hurt to speak, or even to breathe really, but he could tolerate the pain if it meant catching up with his friends. “It’s good to see you guys. What happened? I barely remember anything.” Except the kiss of course, and how stressed out he was, but he tried for nonchalance, not wanting to reveal that just yet.

Dirk looked to Farah, as his memory of what had happened was also compromised.

“Well, they weren’t expecting us, it was a secret mission, so when you yelled” at this she seemed to glare knowingly at the two men “it kind of blew our cover and they ran in and started shooting. I was able to take down a few of them, but –”

“It was amazing Todd! Farah absolutely kicked their arses!” Dirk’s face lit up with admiration for the defensive arm of his detective agency.

“But before I could get them all one of them shot you. I shot him, but it was already too late and you collapsed on the floor.”

“We brought you here as soon as we could” said Dirk, hoping to quickly and quietly skip over the part of their memories that was causing Dirk and Todd considerable anxiety.

The story made sense to Todd, but he still felt like he was missing something. “Where was I shot? My chest is killing me” he joked, hoping to lighten the mood.

Apparently, going for humor was not the best idea, as both Farah and Dirk’s faces fell slightly; seeing their friend awake and responsive had renewed their hope that he would be okay.

“It was the back of your right shoulder.” Farah spoke softly, not wanting to freak Todd out. Not only that, but she still felt like total and utter shit, and Todd could see cracks appearing in her ever confident façade. _She’s probably beating herself up, because she shot all those bad guys down and I still got hurt on her watch._

“The same place I got the crossbow arrow! I bet we’ll have matching scars now!” Todd wasn’t sure why Dirk would be enthusiastic about matching scars, and he and Farah shot concerned looks Dirk’s way, but Todd decided it was better to let it go. He didn’t have the strength to verbally fight with Dirk right now. Instead, he turned to Farah, hoping to fix the situation.

“Farah, look, it’s not your fault. I was the one who yelled like an idiot as soon as we got in there, and anyway it … it doesn’t matter now, because I’m gonna be fine, so –”

“I have to go now, Todd.” He could tell that he had hit the nail on the head with her, bringing up something she was all too unwilling to talk about, much like what was still left unsaid between him and Dirk. He knew how hard it was going to be for Dirk and him to talk, so he simply nodded his head and thanked Farah for coming. _Another problem for another day._ God, why was he such a fuck up when it came to his relationships with his friends?

Todd and Dirk were now blissfully alone in the hospital room, but the tension between them only seemed to escalate. Dirk sat gingerly on the side of Todd’s bed, and Todd could see the gears grinding in Dirk’s mind, the endless thoughts revealed in his eyes.

Suddenly, no longer able to hold himself back, words began to tumble out of Dirk.

“Todd, look I know that you haven’t exactly said anything about the kiss in the diner but ever since it happened I’ve felt absolutely terrible and guilty because I’ve always liked you like that not in the midst of an attack but in a romantic way and I hate that that was how our first kiss went and I didn’t even know how you felt about me until you and Farah rescued me and then you almost died in my arms and you said that you loved me but how was I supposed to know whether you meant it the way I mean it or if it was just something you said in the heat of the moment and – ”

Todd was honestly surprised that he decided to shut Dirk up like this, but he knew that despite how much he beat himself up and claimed to be an asshole, and how Dirk probably deserved better than Todd, they wanted each other. Todd simply could not ignore his feelings for Dirk anymore, and he decided to give himself wholeheartedly and unselfishly to him. Struggling in spite of the pain in his chest, he shut Dirk up the only way he knew he could.

Grabbing Dirk and pulling him closer by his navy blue tie, Todd lightly held Dirk’s face and kissed him. It pleasant, loving, maybe even a little erotic. But most importantly, it felt like a proper first kiss; no death, no pararibulitis, no nothing. And it held an important promise.

The promise of a happy beautiful loving future relationship, spent together on the run, solving the world’s craziest cases, one kiss at a time.


End file.
